Pain Management

I know a lot of people that suffer crippling, chronic physical pain. They require pain management, but that's not in the sense that I'm talking about.

I have no debilitating physical conditions that require medical intervention. I am, however, struggling to manage an overwhelming pain of my own: while emotional and physical pain are completely different worlds, both are a daily struggle to cope with, and both have a lasting impact on the sufferer.

I am so sick of being told to look on the bright side or that it could always be worse. My job exposes me to worse on a regular basis. This is a fact of life. However, so many people expect the medication to be a fix-all solution when it can get worse. Yes, when used consistently, it is a powerful pain/depression management tool. People like me, though, need something more than that. Depression has been a factor in my life for so long that a pill isn't going to fix this sick brain.

Despite the pessimistic tone, I actually have a point. Sometimes during my lows, it gets hard to see things clearly... Like the fact that I don't take my medication consistently, and I don't utilize the coping strategies I do have as fully as I could. Those of you that know me best know my faults in taking care of myself mentally. You also know my interests and strengths. Check in with me when you think about it. Ask me if I'm on my medication. Ask me how I'm doing. I promise, I won't bite. If I do, a few harsh words should set me back on track. Sometimes, I really do need it.

And never be afraid to approach me with ideas, suggestions, or just raw concern. I decided to start talking about it for a reason.

The Who and Why

The Who:

I am a college student in his early 20's. I live in Ohio, I work as a security guard, and I'm an English major. I'm bisexual; I'm struggling to move past the dissolution of a five-year marriage. The divorce was entirely my fault, and living with that is hard. I deal with a lot of stress, between finances, parents who are unaccepting of who I am, ill grandparents, continuing to live with my ex-wife, and trying to take care of myself on a day-to-day basis with the knowledge that I am completely off my rocker, and I don't even want to know me most of the time.

In addition to several other problems I face on a daily basis, I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Let me be clear: this isn't something I think I have. This is something that someone with the word "doctor" in his name has confirmed. I've been on three different medications for it, sought help for and survived multiple periods of suicidal ideation or attempts, and I've started this blog.

The Why:

Living with depression for seven years has been one of two shaping factors in who I am. It's hard. It's downright brutal at times. But I'm still alive, and despite the wretchedness I feel toward myself most days, I still have family and friends that love me, two jobs that I (usually) find rewarding, and a growing respect for myself. I'm learning to take the blame off my past experiences, take the blame off my mental illnesses (yes, plural), and shoulder the responsibility that is mine to bear. Some days, I really don't want to keep going. Other days, I can't wait to see what the world is going to bring me.

My goal with this blog is two-fold: maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else out. More realistically, I'm helping myself out. If I help someone else, great. If not, that's okay too. I'm here for me, and no one else. I'm tired of letting the thought of "I have a mental illness that I can't handle" rule my life, and now I'm picking up where life has dumped me thus far. I hope have to keep pushing through until I can sort my life out and put depression where it belongs, rather than at the forefront. I'm seeking tools to help me manage my mental illness in a way that is productive, or at least, isn't an impediment to my life.