The Who and Why

The Who:

I am a college student in his early 20's. I live in Ohio, I work as a security guard, and I'm an English major. I'm bisexual; I'm struggling to move past the dissolution of a five-year marriage. The divorce was entirely my fault, and living with that is hard. I deal with a lot of stress, between finances, parents who are unaccepting of who I am, ill grandparents, continuing to live with my ex-wife, and trying to take care of myself on a day-to-day basis with the knowledge that I am completely off my rocker, and I don't even want to know me most of the time.

In addition to several other problems I face on a daily basis, I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Let me be clear: this isn't something I think I have. This is something that someone with the word "doctor" in his name has confirmed. I've been on three different medications for it, sought help for and survived multiple periods of suicidal ideation or attempts, and I've started this blog.

The Why:

Living with depression for seven years has been one of two shaping factors in who I am. It's hard. It's downright brutal at times. But I'm still alive, and despite the wretchedness I feel toward myself most days, I still have family and friends that love me, two jobs that I (usually) find rewarding, and a growing respect for myself. I'm learning to take the blame off my past experiences, take the blame off my mental illnesses (yes, plural), and shoulder the responsibility that is mine to bear. Some days, I really don't want to keep going. Other days, I can't wait to see what the world is going to bring me.

My goal with this blog is two-fold: maybe, just maybe, I can help someone else out. More realistically, I'm helping myself out. If I help someone else, great. If not, that's okay too. I'm here for me, and no one else. I'm tired of letting the thought of "I have a mental illness that I can't handle" rule my life, and now I'm picking up where life has dumped me thus far. I hope have to keep pushing through until I can sort my life out and put depression where it belongs, rather than at the forefront. I'm seeking tools to help me manage my mental illness in a way that is productive, or at least, isn't an impediment to my life.